**This is part of my Student Diary Series where I share some of my thoughts, reflections, and takeaways arising from my experiential professional life coach training at Rhodes Wellness College.**
(Week 5 of 22)
We’ve passed the 1-month mark of school and I’ve been noticing how I’ve been numbing out a bit on the mornings after my evening classes.
There’s two parts to it - one is that it’s a lot of paying attention, listening (Level Two and Level Three Listening, read more about that here on week 4), talking, connecting, and socializing which I need alone and quiet time afterwards to process; and two is that I haven’t been emotionally resting and recharging well.
It was the perfect week to discuss it in breakout rooms in class, because that week we talked about emotions and empathy. And that week I had watched pretty emotionally intense movies (Official Secrets and Promising Young Woman - which I wrote a bit about in this prior post).
Emotions
Emotions are internal reactions to internal stimuli (thoughts, memories) and external stimuli (affection, danger, news, etc.). They’re objective, instinctive, originate in the brain, and produce physical reactions in our body. For example, the emotion might be anxious and the feelings might be shaky, frozen, hot, etc.
Feelings are subjective, in our mind, our interpretation and experience of the emotion, and our individual responsibility (no one makes us feel anything - we have agency). Feelings are valid, justified.
we are not our feelings (I’m not anxious, I feel anxious);
feelings are not thoughts (like tired, busy); and
feeling are not facts.
(Later on I edited out text where I wrote something “made me” realize - no, it didn’t! It led to a thought…)
We do not need to agree with (or judge) our feelings nor other people’s feelings.
My feelings list from my therapist that I’ve used (and talk about quite a bit) since April 2021: Feelings List, Hoffman Institute Foundation (PDF)
The Feelings Wheel shared from school, source Marcusdea (their Redbubble site):
In class we did a really interesting meditation about feeling different emotions in our body for about ~25 seconds: calm, happiness, anger, pride, sad, excitement, guilt, interest, embarrassed, amused, and joy. I noted down the bodily sensations so I’d remember them afterwards, and it was interesting to note which were harder for me to go into (like guilt, joy), and which were similar to each other (embarrassed + guilt; interest + excitement + happy).
In Thursday’s class breakouts I talked about being emotionally hungover, numbing out a little in the mornings after class. I’ve built in time in my calendar for processing them then, so I’ll see how that goes in following weeks.
I tend to intellectualize my feelings and some of my past therapy work has been to watch for when I start saying “I feel..” and then end up saying a thought (and correct it). Distancing myself from the feeling. I’ve been getting more articulate/descriptive of my emotions (thank you feelings list, that I hyperlinked earlier), but I tend to move on quickly after acknowledging them. I don’t really give myself the time to validate and normalize the emotion before moving on. I’m pretty dismissive of myself.
Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand others’ emotional experience, connect with that experience from within oneself, and have an appropriate and compassionate response. And the boundaries to not get drawn/sucked in or to get caught up in our own feelings.
In the practice session breakout room I received feedback that they were used to being cut off and my silence-nod combo with few verbal ‘I’m listening’ demonstrations had them wondering if I was paying attention, and they felt uncomfortable with pauses. Something else for me to keep in mind was when to disclose when someone’s sharing something you’ve experienced, as when I shared/disclosed in our debrief (when my ‘coaching hat’ wasn’t on), they shared that that would have helped them feel less alone.
Later, I practiced a bit, I guess, from what I felt and sensed while listening to and watching a grieving adult child speak on a circumstance a week or so ago on video. I emailed them and was sitting with the emotions they might have been feeling as I drafted my email. It seemed like I was in there too and I felt the feelings I had felt in a somewhat similar situation I experienced. And then I was thinking how that seemed like I went too far, I needed to pull back, so they wouldn’t think then that they needed to support me… To not disclose that personal experience, that would have seemed, to me, like making it about me. And so I didn’t mention it. Though maybe it would have supported them and served as a connector, normalizer and validator? I don’t know. Something to practice, feeling out those lines in different contexts…
I don’t think I’ve realized before that processing emotions is that cycle - acknowledging it (putting the feeling into words), validating it and normalizing the feelings. Whatever the length of time is, cycling through it one layer/branch at a time when it’s needed.
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Something for me to remember as well is what to listen for - what the client’s goals mean to them (to clarify), their mindset/how they’re interpreting experiences and their agency, their skills and capabilities (and identifying the gaps and effective ways to fill the gaps), what they do on autopilot and what’s (not) helpful and hindering, and helping maintain energies (physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual) and clear it up when blocked.
Coaching is all about discovering, harnessing, and expanding on strengths and tools clients already have, acknowledging goals and aspirations, and feeding it back to the client in ways that clarifies and focuses the client’s attention.
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I attended a practice lab from Rhodes on Monday, along with students from other programs and witnessed a student almost near the end of their program coach another student “fishbowl” style (for 30 minutes). It was fascinating to observe and then hear the instructor’s feedback (a professional coach).
We talked about the structuring of a session and the facilitation that the coach does, from defining the session’s topic and agreeing on it, to the exploration during the bulk of the session, exploring why things are important, and then ending with a summary, outcome, takeaway, or next steps, and acknowledging the discoveries and energy/effort the client put in, and thanking them for it and how they showed up.
I was reflecting on some of the prior coaching sessions I’d been in as a client and it was interesting (of what I remembered) to think about how each of those pieces were present when I was on the receiving end.
The client had similar concerns I have had, and observing the changes and which questions led to which (re)discoveries, is something for me to consider for my own circumstances as well.
I really love to watch peoples eyes light up and the strength in their voice when talking about something they’re passionate about. Especially after not seeing or hearing that.
Being able to facilitate that in creating and holding space and the container for that, is really an honour, and responsibility.
Every time I get practice coached on in these class breakout rooms, there is usually something that comes up, of something I haven’t been looking at in the light. The deep dive into feelings can be deeply uncomfortable. That’s why it’s so important that you’re getting coached by the right person for you (if you’re considering it) - you need trust and rapport to feel safe enough to go there, to trust that you’ll be supported.
P.S. If you know someone who might benefit from having a time/space container solely for them, to talk through whatever's on their mind, heart, or soul with an intuitive coach-in-training, please pass my info along to see whether I'd be the right fit for them at this time.
*www.linktr.ee/shimona has my vibe check and session booking links, and all others, including an anonymous feedback form.