**I’m in school at Rhodes Wellness College part time (in class 6 hours per week) in their experiential, professional life coach certificate program. This is a post in my Student Diary Series where I share what I’m learning from April to September 2023.**
In class on May 30 we discussed our communication styles and how it’s changed over the years and in different contexts.
We learned about 4 communication styles and how each of these patterns show up on the extreme side, the characteristics, and the impact of each.
An overview of the styles:
passive communication: avoiding expressing our opinions, feelings, wants, or needs
aggressive communication: expressing opinions and advocating for our needs in a way that violates others’ feelings or needs
passive aggressive communication: appearing passive on the surface but really acting out our anger in subtle, indirect, behind the-scenes ways
assertive communication: clearly stating opinions, feelings, and firmly advocating for our needs without violating others’ needs
I’ve lived many years in the passive and passive aggressive patterns as I move from shy, timid dependency to more confident and assertive. I practice naming my feelings, getting down into what my needs are, knowing what I want and what I’m (not) willing to do for it. And courage to keep to it, regardless of real or perceived setbacks.
Having my needs met enables me to show up more/better for others, to be more generous in meeting them where they’re out, being curious, listening, and being more present. Who I am at my best.
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On June 6 we learned about Non-Violent Communication (NVC), which is a tool to reframe how we can express ourselves, hear others, and resolve conflicts. For NVC, all actions are based on our emotional needs that we’re trying to meet.
It consists of 4 components:
observation - what we see, notice, or hear that’s neutral, objective data, without judgment
feelings - what emotional experience we’re having, related to an unmet need we have, that’s accurate and self-responsible (taking ownership of our experience and not giving our power away)
needs - expression of our deepest, shared humanness
requests - what we’re asking another to help meet our need (broad or specific)
When putting those 4 components into a statement, some parts can be harder than others. It’s best to use within a conversation when the unmet need has come up, as close to the moment as possible.
The NVC formula:
When I see/hear/notice [objective, neutral, observable fact about a situation]
I feel [honest, accurate feeling - not a thought]
because my need for [the need not being met, what you want deeply].
Would you be willing to [a respectful, kind ask]?
For example:
When I see you scrolling and typing on your tablet when I’m talking to you
I feel ignored
because my need for presence isn’t being met /[or]/ I want your presence.
Would you be willing to put your tablet down or away while I share my story with you?
We can use this tool to support clients in a few ways. We can introduce NVC to them, discuss what came up while independently drafting the NVC formula, and walk them through the formula/statement to help them articulate what might be uncertain to them. The components can also be helpful in structuring questions during a coaching session.
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Another important part of NVC is that it’s for people connected to us, who we’re in community with. Not for the unknown person we come across on the street or in the comment section... It’s to incorporate in conversations.
It brought to mind wanting to make things better for the ones who come after you, or believing that they ‘should’ do their dues (and suffer like they did). And what we owe others, who we’re responsible for, and what energy we save for those we’re in community with… And who we would make things better for (and whether that circle is smaller or expanded to encompass more people and more creatures - the idea of moral circle expansion).
NVC reminded me of other related ideas I’ll end with:
Our requests are just that - requests. It’s up to the other person whether they’re able or willing to meet our need and fulfill our request. It can be helpful to be open to/be prepared for a “no” and then deciding how we’ll choose to interact with that person about that specific circumstance moving forward. #Boundaries
The Guttman Institute’s concept of bids from The Relationship Cure shares how we respond to requests for connection from others (for attention, affirmation, affection) that impact our relationships’ longevity and fulfillment. We respond by bids by either turning towards, turning away, or rejecting.
Betty Martin’s The Art of Receiving and Giving goes deep into our actual wants (vs what we’re willing to do, accept or tolerate) of what we want only for ourselves vs. what’s for others. Lots of great phrases to try out in different exercises/practices.
(I have a BA in Communication Studies 👀 I don’t remember learning NVC though!)